Hello Faithful Reader, I do apologize for the lengthy break, life got in the way as often will happen with… well, with life. But on the upside I’m back. So without further ado, on with the debauchery.
Better than Boggle
After a summer vacation to Scotland, Parti Quebecois hopeful Bernard Drainville has come home with a whole new idea for Quebecers. He believes the PQ must stop using the word “Sovereignty” and begin using the word “Independence.” “I think it’s clearer, I think it says more about what we are trying to do. Independence is the opposite of dependence, of being dependent.” Quote from Drainville for those of you who are not sure independence actually means. What the…? Don’t they mean the same…? Independence eh, well now that you put it that way…
For The Younger and Older Ladies
Here is one that is sort of baffling to me. The Longueuil Police have arrested a 26-year-old, St-Hubert resident named Kevin Lauzier, whom the media have dubbed the “Longueuil Flasher.” He is being charged with 23 indecent acts, exposing himself in front of women ranging in age from 14 to 62 (not sure how that’s relevant?) But here is the part I don’t get, he is being charged with “indecent acts,” that is fine, but also with “disguise with intent.” Not so sure what that part means. Listen, there was no intent, he was pullin on his junk in front of young (and older, not sure that is relevant?) ladies, he’s a perv, enough said.
Seems Longueuil police had their hands full last week. Early last Thursday morning a patrol car spotted a suspicious looking van on Ile Charron in Boucherville. Turns out the van was stolen and inside the van was a 42-year-old man having sex with a prostitute (do you think he stole the van just to have sex with the prostitute?). As police approached the car the man made a break for it, jumping into the water in just his underwear. My question is, how sketchy was this prostitute that you would rather drown than get caught with her?
Safety Tip: Don’t Go to Jail in Panama
Do you all remember Dr. Arthur Porter? Canada’s spy watchdog agency, head of Mcgill University Hospital, head of the new MUHC Super hospital, then accused of 22.5 million in kickbacks so I am fucking off to Panama to hide from Quebec Dr. Arthur Porter? Remember that guy? Well it looks like he was injured in a prison riot just outside of Panama City last week. “He was shot in the face with tear gas, and then he tried to crawl to the stairs to escape, and he got trampled on, which damaged his leg, and then he lost consciousness,” Gemma Porter, the eldest of Porter’s four daughters, told CBC News. Look, I don’t want to sound harsh here but he is in a Panama prison. That is the kind of shit that happens in Panama prisons! If he would have faced the music and come back to Quebec to deal with his charges that could all have been avoided. Karma is a bitch, ain’t it.
Go Fly A Kite
If you are reading about this, this week, then you missed the Dieppe Kite Festival last week sucker. Really, I am not making this up, there is a Kite Festival! in Dieppe! Your first question should be “where the hell is Dieppe?” quickly followed by “how nerdy do you have to be to go to a kite festival… in Dieppe?” Well let me tell you, it was the tenth annual Kite festival and they were expecting over 40 thousand people, yes I said 40 thousand. Some of the events include extreme acrobatic kite flying, Rokkaku combats, and creative kites. I have absolutely no idea what “Rokkaku” is, but it sounds bad ass. So I would suggest, faithful readers, mark it on your calendar now and haul ass up to Dieppe next year for the 11th annual Dieppe Kite Festival (if you can find Dieppe that is).
Last Week at a Glance:
Last week CBC ran a headline that read, “Celine Dion halts career to care for husband Rene Angelil!” My first reaction was “what career?” Has she done anything since that Titanic song? Ok ok, take it easy, I know this is Quebec and she is Celine, I was only joking, don’t send me any death threats. I wish the best of luck to her and her husband, Geeez.
Pizza vs. Ambulance
If you live in Laval, looks like your chances of getting a pizza in under 30 mins. are better then getting an ambulance. An article that ran in the Gazette gave us some Urgences-Sante response times to cardiac arrest calls in the area. Aug. 4: 25 mins to St-Francois sector, Aug. 5: 19 mins to Ste-Dorothee district, same day, again to St-Francois: 40 mins. Good luck out there folks, looks like you’re gonna need it..
Last Word of the Week:
A British thief, Jamie Brown, was on run after breaking into a Leeds, Yorkshire, store and making off with a fish tank (Whoooooa Nelly, a fish tank?) To escape the coppers he ducked into some bushes only to realize he needed to urinate. Ziiiipppp and away he goes, right into a wasps nest. The police arrested Brown, after he spent six hours in the hospital. What a Wanker!
Contact Ken at firstname.lastname@example.org