Literary Horoscopes for March

Mona LIsait. Photo Rachel Levine. Mona LIsait. Photo Rachel Levine.

Disclosure: Astrological signs have been selected according to the author’s date of birth, but none of the quotes are directly theirs

Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18): William S. Burroughs

Don’t let anyone push you around, kid. Also, be careful what you wish for. You may think you’re in for a good time, till the junk’s really hit you then there’s no way out. Grass is always better than the needle though. Just stay away from goddamn lousy heroics. My William Tell act was quite a messy idea.

Book of the month: And the Hippos Were Boiled In Their Tanks

Pisces (Feb 19 – March 20): Douglas Adams

Two giant intergalactic fish have travelled the Milky Highway under dubious circumstances to correct mankind’s confusion on their subject. Indeed, the stardust creatures are weary of being revered as obscurely prophetic celestial bodies going under the degrading name of “Pisces”. Being a victim of primitive humanoid beliefs is always traumatic for any highly developed species – luckily, the Vogons plan on dealing with Planet Earth very efficiently, subjecting them to destructive poetry and lyrical laser beams. Unfortunately, emergency towels will be of no help here.

Book of the Month: The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

Aries (March 21 – April 19th): William Shakespeare

Of the maiden beauteous be weary
Though she cometh softer than a fairy
For she may be a clever young lad
In queenly dresses richly clad

Furthermore, don’t lust for power
Or you may be stuck at witch’s hour.
Eye of newt, Medusa’s mane
The witches cast a curse on he
Who hath been greedy, cruel and vain
For every sin cometh at a fee

Book of the month: The Merchant of Venice

Taurus (April 20th – May 20th): Joseph Heller

This month, you will have so much to think about that it will drive you pathologically insane. The Doctor you’ll visit – who is continuously perplexed between needing to cure patients for the sake of his professional reputation whilst needing them to stay sick enough to remain his patients – will vaguely advise you to dabble in meditation. Here, the catch lies in the fact that the only way to meditate is not to think. Which leads you to think about not thinking. Which in turn, makes you think too much.

Book of the month: Catch-22

Gemini (May 21st – June 20th): Erich Segal

Stay away from quiet libraries. Please. Just don’t go. The further you are from those libraries and the girls working there… The better. No matter how pretty her eyes are… DO NOT TALK TO HER. You WILL regret it. Badly. Extreme grief lies ahead of prep boys who talk to sweet bespectacled young ladies.

Book of the month: Love Story

Cancer (June 21st – July 22nd): Ernest Hemingway

When you return to the cottage, you will sit in the old rocking chair facing the mountains and think about the war and the guns and the men and the bullfights and she will pour you a drink without a word needing to be said. You will drink the liquor and let it set your throat on fire and the sun will set over the hilltops lighting them in pink and purple hues and you will make love to her in the receding light and then you will leave her without a word, because no love can be true unless it ends in tragedy.

Book of the month: The Sun Also Rises

Leo (July 23rd – August 22nd): Charles Bukowski

I gaze at the bottle
Sitting on my windowsill.
This callous beast,
My most bitter enemy.

And yet when my fist closes around
Its smooth glass neck
And raises the poison to my
Parched lips
It greets me only
as an old friend would.

Book of the month: The Pleasures of the Damned

Virgo (August 23rd – September 22nd): Agatha Christie

This month, you shall don your luscious Poirot stash as you investigate the Murder on the STM. Indeed, upon one misty morning, as you drift to sleep on the orange line between stations Sherbrooke and Mount Royal, your economically decorated cart shall screech to a stop. You shall then have exactly 7 minutes and 43 seconds to crack the mystery behind the eviscerated corpse suddenly lying beneath your polypropylene seat. Good luck

Book of the month: And Then There Were None

Libra (September 23rd – October 22nd): Ursula K. LeGuin

This is one of those months where it will prove terribly auspicious to sign up as an Earthling ambassador upon Gethen. Dilating time with a smoothly designed interstellar ship, you should arrive upon the oddly sexually advanced yet technologically backwards world in only a few years’ time. As you plunge into an alien culture rife with dualities, friendships and love will come at a high price to maintain the eternal balance between light and darkness.

Book of the month: The Left Hand of Darkness

Scorpio (October 23rd – November 21st): Neil Gaiman

You will find an old tome on a secluded park bench. Seize it immediately. The Gray Lady etched onto the cover will beckon you into the pages. Her crimson lips want to weave you beautiful stories, her soft touch yearns to guide you through folklore, her velvet cloak to engulf you in magic. Don’t be afraid. Curiosity killed the cat, but saved the wanderer.

Book of the month: The Sandman Collection

Sagittarius (November 22nd – December 21st): Jane Austen

Do not sacrifice your hand in marriage too quickly. Why on Earth would you want to give up a lifestyle of casual promenades across lush British gardens and lazy attempts at mastering artistic disciplines (thanks to the private French tutors hired by Papa) for the sake of a husband? You are better off as an old maid. However, if you do keep going to balls and pretentious social gatherings – always orchestrated in lavishly decorated chambers that are only used twice a year – you may find the love of your life, the gentleman of your dreams, the sweet knight in shining white armor, that every proper lady must search for.
[Unfortunately – and just like Jane Austen’s literary world – this horoscope solely applies to cisgender heterosexual women.]

Book of the month: Pride and Prejudice

Capricorn (December 22nd – January 19th): Holden Caulfield (J.D. Salinger)

Alright so if you really need want to know more about all this astrology crap, the stars look terrific and real goddamn auspiciously aligned. Or something like that. Who the hell cares, anyway ? I mean honestly, people who actually believe in horoscopes – and I mean really base their goddamn lives around that stuff – really kill me. Boy, you gotta feel sorry for those guys. They aren’t all so lousy, you know. They just believe in all the crap some goddamn phony behind a typewriter comes up with for a bit of dough. Honestly though, it’s that guy – the moron behind the typewriter – who really depresses the hell outta me. Boy, must he feel grand with a job like that. What a goddamn sad type he really is.

Book of the month: The Catcher in the Rye

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