Don’t you dare wish anyone a Merry Christmas this December! And don’t you dare sing any Christmas songs or hymns for fear that they may actually be about date rape or that they may offend an ethnic minority! You would be pilloried if you said anything negative about a Jewish or Moslem holiday, yet it is ok to bash Christians for observing one of their most sacred days. Why is this, I wonder? Why this very intolerance by the neo-liberals who have become the New Vigilantes of our time? Is it because this group, the PCP (Politically Correct Police) would have you believe that December 25th is just another manifestation of the Eurocentric patriarchy that has subjugated the populace for over 2,000 years? Strangely, I remember as a child in Hungary being prevented by the Communist Regime from attending church services on Christmas Eve and having to celebrate in secret. How is today’s mindset any different? Where is our tolerance and acceptance that we pride ourselves on as Canadians?
Ok, I get it. I am an old reactionary, not hip to the current jargon and sentiments. Ah, but wait! I have done the PCP one better and researched some major December holidays that can perhaps compete with and wipe out the memory of this most dangerous and inappropriate day. So, let’s begin and list some memorable feasts days during this month with our unique take:
Dec. 8: National Brownie Day (An offensive holiday, to say the least. First off, brown suggests a racial bias, no? And if it is a reference to young girls, should this not really be National Humbert Humbert Day? This same day also boasts Take it in the Ear Day, a holiday no doubt devoted to a new Kama Sutra position, perhaps quaintly acceptable since it references the Far East.)
Dec. 11: National Noddle Ring Day (Let’s face it—call this day by what it actually is—National Cock Ring Day, a day to be celebrated by all men who go to sex boutiques for toys.)
Dec. 12: National Ding-a-Ling Day (Somehow appropriate that it follows hard and fast (so to speak) the previous day’s holiday. It is also a commemorative holiday of the great Rock & Roll legend, Chuck Berry, and his song of that same name.)
Dec. 14: International Monkey Day (A day to remember Tarzan’s illicit yet abiding love for Cheetah, a love that Dare Not Name Its Name. Bestiality aside, the PCP might go apeshit over this one.)
Dec. 15: National Lemon Cupcake Day (A day to remember Led Zepplin’s misogynistic “Lemon Song”—“Baby squeeze my lemon/ Till the juice goes running down my leg” and to remember that it was Casanova who invented the first female diaphragm by fashioning out half a lemon to be inserted into the appropriate orifice. Thus, the origin of the term sourpuss.)
Dec. 18: National Roast Suckling Pig Day (I can almost hear PETA screaming over this one, or is it squealing over it?)
Dec. 21: Forefather’s Day (Only in the U.S., mercifully, and need I even comment? When George Washington chopped down the proverbial cherry tree, was this not an allegory of rape and defilement by the patriarchy?)
Dec. 21: Look on the Bright Side Day (A day when one pays homage to Monty Python’s Life of Brian and the irreverent “Look on the Bright Side of Death” song. Perfectly acceptable by the PCP since it is an example of Christianity bashing.)
Dec. 21: National Flashlight Day (An antiquated holiday celebratingthe flashlight, formerly used to covertly read erotica like Lady Chatterley’s Lover under the sheets after “lights out”. Not applicable today in the days of Smart phones and iPads.)
Dec. 21: Humbug Day (A day dedicated to the neo-liberal shites who are totally devoid of any humor, warmth, or human compassion, who take themselves and their “causes” oh, so seriously, who scream with righteous indignation at every injustice ever visited upon any minority group, and who, ironically, are a major cause of the Orange Haired Baboon sitting in the office of POTUS.)
Dec. 24: Xmas Eve (Forget the carols, the joy, the merriment and the legend of Santa Claus bringing gifts to children. Instead, think home invasion by some fat intruder via your chimney, someone who has come to eat you out of cookies and home, a slobbering pervert who tries to engage in serious tongue-action with Mom while the traumatized children look on tearfully and scream for a “safe space”.)
Dec. 25: A day that cannot be mentioned by this politically correct writer.
Dec. 27: National Fruitcake Day (A day to be struck from the calendar out of respect to the LGBT community. Seriously. I hate this cloying poor-excuse-for-a-sweet and hate this derogatory nomenclature for gays.)
Dec. 30: National Bicarbonate of Soda Day (Have you stuffed yourself over the holidays? Pigged out on pie, pretzels, pork rinds (favorite snack food of recently deceased President and War Criminal George H.W. Bush) and pot (now legal in Canada!!!)? Sick of the pundits spewing vitriol about Trump and his gangsters on CNN? Then, this is a much-needed holiday for you.)
Dec. 31: New Year’s Eve (alternately, Make Up Your Mind Day) (First off, the second holiday, MUYMD, might refer to my American friends, those who are the political fence sitters. Let’s call it “Shit or Get Off the Can Day”. To all who procrastinate and are afraid to act, DO SOMETHING, anything! Get out and VOTE in elections. Stop bitching and complaining. No, Trump is not going away anytime soon, no matter how much you want him to. Find a candidate who believes in something other than lining his or her pockets with the greasy residue of the lobbyists. Any Casper Milqtoast Democrat waiting in the wings won’t do, but try feeling the Bern, maybe the last real politician of integrity and passion left in America. As for New Year’s Eve, let it be a holiday where you party excessively, love creatively, forget the past, and welcome the promise of future possibilities. 2019 will probably still be a shitty year, but there is always hope… And don’t forget to give thanks for living in Canada (ok, even for living in Quebec…) because we could be living south of our border in the Land of Make-Believe).
HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO ONE AND ALL!
Editor’s Note: This column will return in the New Year, resuming after January 15, 2019