Fear and Loathing South of the 40 : Basic Life Skills 101

My Brothers and Sisters we have an awful lot to get to this week so get comfortable. First of all lets start with some local stuff, if you live in Quebec you better sit down for this one.

Colouring in the Lines

According to the Montreal Gazette, lawyer turned author Caroline Beauchamp was hired as a consultant on the Quebec “Charter of Values” by the Parti Quebecois, in particular Bernard Drainville, the Minister responsible for the Charter. In January of 2013 she was paid $50,000, then in September of 2013 another $40,000, not bad work if you can get it huh? Please keep in mind she is not even a lawyer anymore. Ok, maybe in the large scheme of things $90,000 bucks isn’t a huge amount of money, but it still makes my sphincter pucker to think this money was wasted on something so ridiculous. On the up side she did draw and color these great pictures, which are well worth the money.

The Indiana Jones Gun Rule

While we are on the subject of religious intolerance, last Tuesday a man was arrested for vandalism outside of the Rosemont Islamic Community Centre. The 47 year old, white male, was caught trying to throw a molotov cocktail through the window of the centre. Constable Simon Delorme described the situation, “Then they (the police) start to follow this man and ask for backup. When they try to arrest the man [he took] out a sword and was threatening the police officers.” So they tased him and took him to the hospital. Once again, proving the old theory, you shouldn’t bring a sword to a taser fight. Sucka!

Microeconomics

Penny Round Up or Down Canada

As we all remember, last February the Royal Canadian Mint stopped making pennies. Well one South Shore man decided to track his monetary transactions to see if he was being cheated because of money rounding. As it turns out, after 365 transactions, Roger Guitar (I am not making that up, that’s his real name. I know, what a rock and roll name), is, so far, ahead by 89 cents. In Mr. Guitar’s own words, “Here, for example in April, I was up five cents. In February I was minus 23 cents. Here, we bought some flowers for $11.48. They charged me $11.50, so I lost two cents.” This proves my theory, holy shit some people have way too much time on their hands.

Faire Les Devoirs

Selfie at Mandela’s Funeral

One thing that made me sigh in relief last week was that I no longer have to hide from the OQLF (Office Quebecois de la langue Francaise) when I utter the words ‘selfie’, ‘hashtag’ or ‘troll.’ The latest edition of the renowned French dictionary Le Petit Robert is coming out this week and those words will be included. Maybe next time we can suggest the Quebecois word ‘Fuckais.’ Not sure how to spell that one but you know what I mean.

Last Week at a Glance:

Sorry Officer

Are you drunk

So, a Muskoka-area woman, Lee Ann McRobb, was charged with impaired driving while behind the wheel of Toronto Mayor Rob Ford’s luxury SUV. There are all kinds of stories about this if you care to look it up. What is her relationship to the mayor? The license plate went missing after it was impounded, all kinds of stuff. But what caught my attention was this. CBC News was told she had been discharged from a nearby rehabilitation facility six days before the incident occurred and that is where she had met Mayor Ford. Six days and she is caught drunk driving. Hey maybe it is time to start looking for a new rehab centre? No? Just me? Really?

Brown Jeans

Last week the CEO of Levi Strauss & Co., Chip Bergh, came out and said you should never, that is right never, wash your jeans. “If you talk to real denim aficionados they’ll tell you don’t wash your blue jeans,” says Bergh. (Who knew there were blue jean aficionados?) According to Chip you should spot clean and air dry, no problemo. Now what you should wash is your ass, and wash it lots, cause that is pretty gross.

If you can’t do the time, don’t commit the crime

electric chair powerless to harm wizard

Quick word of advice if you are going down south anytime in the near future. Turns out that there is a nationwide scarcity of lethal injection drugs in the states, so to combat the problem Tennessee is bringing back, yes folks your old favorite and mine, the electric chair. There is so much wrong with this that I don’t know where to start but I just have to ask, how hard is it to mix up a batch of lethal injection drugs?

Last word of the Week:

There was so much messed up news last week it was tough to know what to write about. But one stood out head and shoulders above the rest, check out this headline:

Man pees in bag on no bathroom Air Canada Express flight

Barf Boutique Bag

What!!!!

The story is about a woman, Karen Janes, and her two children who were disgusted to watch some guy pee in a bag because there was no bathroom on a flight from Red Deer Lake to Wabush.

Janes paid $2400 dollars for tickets and was initially concerned when the agent at the airport announced there was no bathroom on the plane.

Again??? WHAT!!!

A spokesperson for Air Canada said, “This was a very unfortunate experience and we will be responding directly to this customer,” adding that passengers were advised to use the bathroom before boarding. Best part of the whole story, the guy peed twice. Do you think he was peeing in the barf bags? How did he get two? Was he like “Hey lady, you using that barf bag, cause I gotta go.”