Fear and Loathing South of the 40 : Beware the Otter

Bad Boys go to Confession

Tony Accurso

Tony Accurso

Lucky for taxpayers, now that the election is over, we can get back to serious business, like the Charbonneau Commission. We found out last week that business man Tony Accurso’s latest attempt at getting out of testifying at the Commission failed as the Supreme Court refused to hear his case. I don’t see the problem here, he can’t get charged with anything from the Commission anyway; it’s like confession. Just say a couple of Hail Mary’s and you are on your way. Now that there is a new Sheriff in town in the Belle Province, why don’t they start by closing down this money gobbling farce of a Commission?

Bad Boys Doing Bad Things

Patrick Brezeau

Patrick Brezeau

Speaking of wasting money, my favorite suspended Conservative MP was in the news again last week. You might remember him from such hits as “The Senate Spending Scandal”, “Charges of assault and sexual assault from Feb. 2013” or his latest endeavor “Manager of BareFax Gentlemen’s Club” (yes this is a strip joint — guess that is where MP’s go when they are suspended)? Well, my Friends, last week Patrick Brazeau was once again charged with assault, possession of cocaine, death threats and breach of previous release conditions. I won’t get into all the “what happened” but it is an entertaining read. What I do want to know is, since he is only suspended and not actually fired, are we, as Canadian tax payers still paying this guy a salary? I mean did we pay for the booze and the coke he used to beat the crap out of the latest girlfriend? Just saying that if we are I have a bit of a problem with it. Just saying.

Bad Boys Can’t Smoke

Bordeaux Prison

Bordeaux Prison

Speaking of assault, last Monday a smoking ban went into effect at Bordeaux Prison. A policy of banning smoking went into effect for all Quebec jails back in 2013 and Bordeaux is the last jail to adopt it. CJAD reported that, “The union representing prison workers pushed for the policy because it said the accumulation of smoke was hurting the health of members.” Screech, hold on, wait a minute, lets back up the “I can’t believe it” bus. What do you mean “the union representing prison workers?” They have a union? But they are in prison! Great Googly Moogly, Walmart workers can’t even get a union. Anyway, human rights lawyer Julius Grey said he believes that banning smoking would increase the potential for “violence and abuse.” I am onboard with that. What are the inmates going to trade now? Forget it, don’t want to know.

Grow Your Own

Vagina cell culture in petri dishes

Vagina cell culture in petri dishes

Here’s an eye catcher “Researchers Grow, Transplant, Human Vaginas” What? Hello? Oh you heard it right. At the Wake Forest Baptist Medical Center’s Institute for Regenerative Medicine, scientists have grown vaginas in a laboratory and successfully implanted them in four women. Cells were taken from the women’s “external genitals,” the cells are cultured to grow more, after about four weeks the biodegradable material is hand sewn into a “vagina-like shape” and badda bing, badda boom, you got yourself a vagina. Although the four women were not available for comment, they did report having “normal sexual function, including desire and pain free intercourse.” This is fascinating, that is beyond doubt, but all I can think about is who came up with the idea. Can you imagine two young nerdy science students, male of course, “you know what I’m gonna make?”

Last Week at a Glance:

OQLF slapdown

The Office Quebecois de la Langue Francaise (OQLF) lost another one. When are these guys going to learn? A Quebec Superior court ruled last week that major retailers with trademark names will not have to change their signs to French. The OQLF went after stores like Best Buy, Toys R Us, Guess, and (get this) Walmart. Yes, the OQLF wanted Walmart to change their name in Quebec. Do they not know that Walmart is the Opera of retail? Guys if you are gonna pick a fight, at least pick one you got a shot at winning.

RIP

If you made it through last week alive count yourself lucky cause a lot of people didn’t. Former finance minister Jim Flaherty passed away last Thursday. Flaherty was held in very high esteem by fellow Parliamentarians. Prime Minister Harper said, “he will be remembered with great affection and respect.” The really sad part here is that Flaherty died only three weeks after resigning from cabinet. That sucks. Film legend Mickey Rooney also passed away last week at the age of 93. Rooney appeared in over 200 films spanning a career that lasted 8 decades. Hollywood Studios will be paying for his funeral services due to the fact that at the time of his death he was too broke to pay for his own burial. Man, that really sucks.

Last Word of the Week:

Not as Cute as Imagined

cute otter

Wasn’t me.

I read an article in the National Post last week that was so bizarre I had to read it again as soon as I was done. The article started off by describing an incident that happened 30 years ago off the west coast of Vancouver Island on an island named Nootka. The incident involved Whiskers the Otter, a family and the families 3 dogs. It ended up with Whiskers the Otter humping one of the dog’s heads after he had drowned it. Apparently, cute and cuddly otters are the rapists of the sea. So take a gander, please be advised, otters are gross!

Ken Gaucher can be reached at ken@montrealrampage.com

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