Fear and Loathing South of the 40: Spooky Summer Standards
Nous Attendrons
The Bloc Quebecois has a new leader, his name is Mario Beaulieu and he’s not messin’ around. During his acceptance speech he proclaimed “Nous Vaincrons” which translated means “We will conquer”. For those who do not remember, this slogan became famous by the FLQ during Quebec’s October Crisis. He went on to say “We’ve been waiting for this moment for 20 years, the time for waiting is over!” All I have to say is thank God the wait is over. I am not sure what we were waiting for, but 20 years is a long time to wait, so thank God!
Spooky Good Fortune: ESP and Lotto Winnings
A Manitoba woman won close to $7 million dollars playing Lotto 649 on June 4th, the amazing part of this story is that she dreamt of winning the jackpot the night before. Maria Digel has been playing the same numbers for 30 years. What will she do with all the new good fortune? “I’ll keep some for emergencies,” she said. “I live a simple life. I don’t need a fancy apartment. I am happy.” Yes Maria, if I just won almost $7 million I would be happy too. Now here is the really amazing part of this story. Last night I had a dream that a woman who won almost $7 million bucks contacted me and…
We Don’t Need No Water, Let the Motherfu$%ers Burn
Firefighters took to the streets last week to protest Bill 3. The proposed legislation would see municipal workers and cities evenly splitting the cost of the pension plan deficit, which currently stands at $4 billion bucks, yowza. The angry firefighters marched to the steps of city hall and guess what they did… STARTED A FIRE!!! AAHHHHH the irony!! The city had to call other firefighters to put out the fire that the firefighters started. Then the firefighters thanked the firefighters for putting out the fire that the firefighters started. Oh ya, this can go on forever.
Better Than Summer Action Movies
The three men who escaped from the Orsainville Detention Centre on June 7th by helicopter have been re-captured. The Sûreté du Québec accompanied by an Emergency Response Team arrested the men at a home in Montreal last Saturday night. Public Security Minister Lise Theriault has since announced “No fly zones” over three Quebec prison facilities. It’s a bit like trying to put the toothpaste back in the tube, but hey, better late than never.
Montreal Summer Standards
Here are a couple of Montreal summer standards.
#1 – Global speculation due to international political volatility and massive cuts in Canada’s oil refining capacity are the culprits for the latest gas pricing spikes. You know what this means, you are getting fucked at the pumps. Is this news? Nope it happens every summer, just around the time school lets out and people are getting ready to set out on their summer road trips. Happy travels.
#2 – Major work started last Friday on the Mercier bridge. This is the bridge that connects Chateaugauy to Montreal. It will last seven weeks, in which each direction will only have one lane, trucks will be barred and the speed limit will be reduced to 50km from 70km an hour. Is this news? Nope, there is major work on that bridge every summer. Look, I’m not sure who they are paying to fix this bridge but it just isn’t working. I am not putting them down. Maybe they are good at fixing other things, like stoves or bikes, but they’re no good at fixing bridges. Let’s find someone new who might fix the bridge for more than a year. If it’s a question of money we can ask the Charbonneau Commission, they have all kinds of it.
Last Week at a Glance:
Come again?
The Montreal Public Health Department have released a study showing many locations monitored on Montreal Island have noise levels exceeding World Health Organization recommendations. When Montreal residents were asked to comment they cupped their ears and said, “Pardon me, what’s that you say?”
Bill 420
Doctors, dentists and pharmacists at Quebec’s Sherbrooke University Hospital Centre have unanimously approved the use of medical marijuana in patients’ rooms. Hell YA, I know where I am going next time I’m sick. Here are the rules “Patients have to supply their own marijuana — which must be approved by Health Canada — and must use a vapour inhaler inside their own private room.” No problem and no problem and a word from the wise, bring lots of chips and shit too!
So long, Shaggy
Last week songwriter Gerry Goffin passed away. He co-wrote hits like “the Loco-Motion” and “Will you Still Love Me Tomorrow” with his ex-wife Carole King. One of my favorites was “You’ve Got a Friend” which he co-wrote with James Taylor. Goffin was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in 1990. Goffin passed away at his home of natural causes, he was 75. Casey Kasem also passed away last week. at the age of 82. If you are around my age you will remember Kasem for his radio show American Top 40, but more importantly he was also the voice of Shaggy on Scooby-Doo. He had been in the news lately due to the fact his family is a bunch of nut-bags fighting over his money. Sad.
Last Word of the Week:
Here is the headline “‘It’s not how it looks’, Call girls shame at taking selfie next to dead history teacher” (You gotta be kidding me)
Kirsty Edmondson, a 23 year old sex worker from Eccles, UK, killed a former teacher with a lethal heroin dose, took a selfie with his body, and lived in his apartment with the corpse for a week. In court Edmondson denied killing the teacher and said “I’m not a killer, it’s not how it looks.” Ok then Kirsty, what exactly is it then? Weekend at Bernies? You took selfies with a dead guy. That there is some major messed up stuff.
If you are reading from the Belle Province, Happy Fete Nationale! If not I will catch you next week on Canada Day.
Ken Gaucher can be reached at [email protected]
