Fear and Loathing South of the 40 : A Pox On Your House!

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There were two huge stories in the local news last week, Luka Magnotta and Ebola, neither of which were very pleasant to say the least. Spoiler Alert, I have nothing nice to say about either of these stories. (go figure)

Trust the Officials and the Border

After the first case of the Ebola virus was confirmed in North America last Tuesday (Texas to be exact), Canadian officials have said that the Canadian Health Care system is ready to confront an outbreak. I am not really sure what that means because the last I heard there was no cure for Ebola. I could be wrong here and if I am, for God sakes somebody please let me know. On a more reassuring note, border guards have been put on alert. They will ask anyone who arrives here who has been traveling through West Africa if “they are feeling ill.” What? Ask them if they are feeling ill? Well that ought to do the trick. I feel better. Just who is running this show anyway?

Tune out… Please

rather than watching Luka Magnotta, watch these animal rescue videos instead

So what has it been, a week, a week and a half, since the Luka Magnotta trial started? I am already, literally, sick of it. I just can’t stomach any more of the garbage that is being printed. Lets just look at some headlines: “Jury sees inside of Magnotta’s apartment,” “Jun Lin’s former lover testifies.” Oh here is a good one: “Jun Lin felt pressure to marry a woman.” And finally (and I am not making this up) “Live from Luka Magnotta Trial!” (and my mind is screaming, “It’s Saturday Night!” I know I shouldn’t make jokes but the whole thing is so ridiculous). When this whole shitty circus is said and done do you think the victim will be left with one single shred of dignity? This writer is tuning out. I am done like yesterday’s dinner. My advice to you, do the same. We know he did it. Lock him up. We don’t need the details.

More animal rescues. Dogs end up in some precarious situations!

Balls

I have to admit, I never saw it coming. Six firefighters fired and 57 suspensions for the ransacking of city hall incident last August 18th. Holy shit, the city has grown a pair. I am not saying I am for or against what happened, I just didn’t think the city would come through on the threats. Oh, the whole incident is far from over, as the head of the Montreal’s Firefighting Union said, “These are the dark days of the labor relations” (dramatic enough for you?). I was going to make a joke like “If I was the Mayor, I would be praying my house didn’t catch on fire,” but I won’t cause it’s in bad taste.

Safety Pins, please

Speaking of bad taste, the best headline of the week last week from the Huffington Post Canada. “Staples Shuts Canadian Stores Because There’s Nothing Left to Staple!” Yikes guys and gals, there is nothing funny about people losing jobs, sheesh. (But that was a pretty good one, nothing left to staple, yuck yuck).

Last Week at a Glance:

HQ hikes up its skirts

Guess what, Hydro Quebec has asked the Provincial Energy Board to ok a rate hike of 3.9 percent next spring. Well Surprise Surprise! (that is meant to be said in a Gomer Pile voice, that is if you remember Gomer Pile) One of Philippe Couillard`s campaign promises was to hold Hydro increases to the inflation rate, so now is the time to do it Phil!

Is that a turtle in your pocket?

Here is something you don’t hear everyday, “Canadian man caught trying to smuggle 1007 turtles to China.” Seems a man was caught at the Detroit airport trying to do just this. But it gets better. They think he is connected to another Canadian man, who, in August, was trying to smuggle 51 turtles in his pants, yes I said in his pants. Who knew there was such a turtle demand? I wonder what 51 turtles feel like in your pants? (was going to make a Ninja Turtle joke but it just wouldn’t come to me, if you think of one please send it).

Defeat ain’t Sweet

McGill is taking a beating lately. Head coach of the Redmen, Clint Uttley, handed in his resignation over the Guimont-Mota domestic abuse accusations. The school issued a statement saying “Guimont-Mota should have never been invited to join the team because of a previous assault conviction.” Uttley says this statement conflict with his personal values. Guimont-Mota was also cut from the school’s football team. But the good news for Guimont-Mota is that he can head over to the NFL; they have no problem with all that abuse stuff.

Last word of the Week:

Melynda Hebert was awarded $4000 bucks by a Quebec judge over the death of her dead parrot Sam. Herbert brought the pet store that sold her Sam to court due to the fact he died three months after purchase. His life span should have been 20 years.

After getting an autopsy done (ya really) it was discovered Sam had an enlarged spleen! A-HA, check and mate. So Herbert is to be reimbursed $3449 for the bird and $374 for the autopsy (ya ,really). Herbert says “I am a student so it was a big investment”. She also says she still misses Sam. Trust this guy Melynda. Get a goldfish, no autopsies, hardly any money, and when it dies… well… flusharoony.

Hey, send Ken your comments, complaints, and questions at [email protected]