Please consult an astrophysicist to get more accurate readings on your atom movements according to the spiritual energy of the universe. An astrologist will be able to give you more insight on your auspicious street sign, most favorable tealeaf size and luckiest venereal disease. Don’t bother looking up your number of the month – in October, it just so happens to be 666 for everyone. And please: feel free to chainsaw the left hind foot off of your pet rabbit; he wouldn’t mind, knowing what a lucky amulet his limb is contributing to.
Aries (March 21st – April 20th)
The planets are aligned in a way such that Venus and Mars are passionately copulating. Please stay inside on April Fool’s Day – unless you want to get showered in toxic stardust.
Taurus (April 21st – May 21st)
Do not engage in coital action with a Virgo unless you wish for both parties to get pregnant (regardless of their biological sex).
Gemini (May 22nd – June 21st)
Upon Halloween Night, thou shall shine brighter than Pollux but dimmer than bullocks. Satan may sensually crawl under your sheets. If that is the case, never complain about a soporific love life again.
Cancer (June 22nd – July 22nd)
A purple cloud of chlorine scented melancholy might engulf you at the Witch’s Hour. Amicably welcome it into your aura. However, be very weary about inhaling any of the fumes as they can disintegrate your internal organs faster than a cyanide cigarette.
Leo (July 23rd – August 22nd)
Your moons align quite favorably this month. No matter how beautiful they may seem from afar, please make sure not to try to join them in outer space. Space exposure will decompress your body into thrice its natural volume, potentially causing irreversible damages.
Virgo (August 23rd – September 23rd)
Within the next few days, the pheromones your body secretes shall become highly addictive to werewolves. Please set your morning alarm to howling noises if you would like to keep the monsters at bay.
Libra (September 24th – October 23rd)
The Love of your Life will sadistically bludgeon your heart. The left ventricle will be sacrificed to the Ctulhu whilst the right atrium shall make the perfect meal for ravenous zombies. A cynical unicorn will read you Bukowski poems to make you feel less sad.
Scorpio (October 24th – November 22nd)
You sometimes inhale O2 and exhale CO2. The few times you do not adhere to these basic laws of life will find you in quite a corpse-ified state.
Sagittarius (November 22nd – December 21st)
A generous someone will give you the answers to your next physics assignment. In exchange for a dreadfully inaccurate palm reading.
Capricorn (December 22nd – January 20th)
Be suspicious about falling asleep at any point this month – you are highly at risk of having an erotic nightmare about Donald Trump. Such a trauma may result in a decade of exorbitantly priced therapy sessions (not funded by the government, naturally). Regardless, the astrologers and necromancers are always there to support you.
Aquarius (January 21st – February 19th)
Vampires are going extinct so please feed one if you have the chance
Pisces (February 20th – March 20th)
The stars have whispered that this may be a moody month for you. Please stay away from weapons for the next four weeks. Stay away from people. Do not talk to anyone. Look deep within the nebula’s embrace to find yourself and your chakras.