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Happy New Year, loyal readers. Glad to see you’re back and sticking to the finer things in life. I’ll be honest with you, there’s not a whole hell of a lot going on at this time of year. All of the top 10 lists are printed, the predictions for the new year are pretty much over and people are gearing up to go back to work.

So instead I thought I’d show you what happens when the people who bring you the news get a little desperate. Here are a bunch of stories and headlines that would never had made the news if it was any other time of year. They might have made F & L though, wink wink.

Burning Questions

There was a whole page dedicated to a new bylaw that Montreal City Council will be voting on in the Montreal Gazette. Here is the caption “Burning questions about proposed fireplace bylaw”. Yes a whole page was dedicated to a Q & A about fireplaces. Let me enlighten you with
some of the questions (these are real questions, I swear).
Q: “Can I use my existing stove or fireplace to heat my home during a blackout?”
A: No, sucker. You are to sit in your house and freeze to death. There are actual tactical squads of police that roam the city looking for people just like you!

Q: “What will happen to me if I use my old stove or fireplace after Dec. 31 2020?”
A: Your head will swell up and explode, that’s what. Really? Is this all you have to worry about from now to the end of 2020? That’s five years away, you could be dead by 2020! At least wait until 2018 to start worrying about it.

Here’s another one, stop the presses!

Driven to Madness

The headline “X marks the wrong spot for lamppost”. All about how the city of Montreal installed a lamppost that partially blocks the delivery driveway for Wing Noodles in Chinatown. I am sure this is a big deal for the owner of the Wing Noodle joint, but for the rest of us? When you wake up tomorrow morning is the first thought in your head going to be “What the hell is going to happen with that lamppost in the Wong Noodle parking lot?” I don’t mean to be mean but I got bigger fish to fry. There was one great part of the article: Wing Noodles makes fortune cookies and it seems they have updated the fortunes inside the cookies. One in particular that used to read “You will get happy news by mail” and now reads “You will get happy news by social media.”
HAAAAAAA, Maybe it’s just me, but I can’t imagine Confucius sitting on a mountain top soul searching until… A-HA.

Dog Days

There was a story that was pretty big for a couple of days last week about Sarah Palin’s (remember Sarah Palin, 2008 vice-presidential nominee), son standing on their dog. She posted a photo on facebook. Animal lovers went ballistic of course. Apparently the photo earned 50,000 ‘likes’ from some of Ms. Palin’s 4.5 million followers. I saw the photo, it’s a little kid standing on a dog at the kitchen sink. The kids looks fine, the dog looks like it could give a shit, so what is the problem? Oh, I think we all know what the real question here is: How in God’s name does Sarah Palin have 4.5 million followers?

Porn For All

I hope everyone is sitting down for this one, it’s from the Financial Post. The headline “Marketing Food Porn”, and you guessed it, it’s all about those wonderful photos of people’s meals just before they eat them. The article talks about how restaurants are encouraging customers to post photos of their meals on social media. Well no kidding, it’s called free publicity. Now, I don’t want to rant but let me tell you people something. Unless I’m eating it, I couldn’t give two shits what your meal looks like. Unless you are doing something extraordinary with it, like shoving it up your ass, forget the photo and just eat the fucking thing.

But definitely send me a photo if you are shoving it up your ass. Let’s make that a thing.

I’ll Never Do That Again

The headline “My guitar playing days may be over: Bono”. Apparently U2 singer, Bono, wrote on his website that due to his cycling accident in Central Park he may never play guitar again. I don’t want to be mean but I think the world will be ok, Bono. You definitely have talent, but let’s face it, you’re not Hendrix, Page, or Clapton.

On to the last one, this one almost put me off my feed…

Cheap Taxidermy

The headline “Dogs found frozen solid brought to Prince Albert SPCA.”
A woman in Prince Albert found two dogs in a garbage bag on the side of the road, frozen solid. The article goes on to give graphic details of the state of the dogs, along with a photo. Is this gross, disgusting and demented? Yes. Is this news for the CBC? Not really. I mean, Christ on a biscuit, do we really need to see photos of a dead frozen dog? What the Fuck???

Here’s to hoping things get back to normal next week.

Wish Ken Happy New Year and tell him the news story he should follow-up on at [email protected].