Fear and Loathing South of the 40 : I Fought the Law

Was it just me or was there an abundance of news this week? I go a bit long this week, but there was so much going on I had to pick and choose.

The King of All Double Doubles

Burger King's ultimate bacon cheeseburger

Burger King’s ultimate bacon cheeseburger

Lets start with the big stuff. If you’ve not heard, Burger King is taking over Tim Horton Inc. Depending which story you read, watch or listen to, it is costing somewhere between $12.5 to $14 billion dollars, a whopper of an investment, yuck, yuck (seriously, if you have not heard about this you need to get out of your cave a little more). Is this big news? Yes, I guess it is. Is it a surprise? No, not really. Large companies taking over or merging with other large companies is how it’s done. Last week two TV giants, Rogers Communications and Shaw Communications, joined forces to make Shomi, a streaming service to compete with Netflix. This was hardly a blip on the radar, but talk about Tim Hortons and Canadians lose their minds. Don’t worry folks we will still get our double doubles. One question though, where did Burger King get all that money? Who eats Burger King? I don’t even see commercials for those guys anymore.

Drunk Revisionism

Ottawa Police Screen images of the break in. Image Ottawa Police.

Ottawa Police Screen images of the break in. Image Ottawa Police.

Here is one that just makes less and less sense the more you hear about it. A little over a week ago someone entered the home of Justin Trudeau, the leader of the liberal party, where his wife and three children slept. They did not take anything but left a menacing note on a row of kitchen knives. This set off a manhunt that involved the Ottawa police and the RCMP, as well as setting off a debate about how well our National Party leaders are protected. This week, the story goes, it was only a drunk 19 year old kid who stumbled into the Trudeau home (the back door was unlocked), figured out it was not his buddy’s house but being the upstanding guy he is, left a note (we never found out what was on that menacing note) on a row of kitchen knives. WHAT?? That story has more holes in it than swiss cheese. I was born at night, but not last night. Ain’t no one buying this shit.

Apple is the New Black

WELCOME BACK, KOTTER #4 Published by DC Comics Written by: Mark Evanier Art by: Ric Estrada and Bob Oksner

Tyrannosaurus Rex.

The trial of the female teacher, Tania Pontbriand, who sexually assaulted her 15 year old student over a two year period was given a 20 month prison sentence. The assaults (over 200 encounters, thank you very much) took place between 2002 and 2004 when Pontbriand was teaching at Rosemere High School. Meanwhile, every other 15 year old boy from here to Timbuktu is praying to the “God of 15 year old boys” that they too might be unfortunate enough to have sex with their hot gym teachers.

Where was David Hasselhoff?

There was an altercation between a mother and two lifeguards at the John F. Kennedy swimming pool in Outremont last week. The dispute was over the fact that Veronique Shapiro was told to put a top on her three year old daughter while at the pool. Apparently the rule of the pool is that all girls over two years old need to wear bathing suit tops. Shapiro’s refusal turned into an argument with two lifeguards which then, according to Shapiro, turned physical as she was tripped while holding her three year old daughter. Her daughter was thrown to the ground, scraping her head and taken away by paramedics. Are you people insane? Yes the rule is ridiculous, but it is what it is. Go somewhere else. And lifeguards, if you really touched a mother holding a child, shame on you, you should have your certificates or badges or whatever, taken away and she should be allowed to kick you in the nuts.

Last Week at a Glance:

Chocolate Heaven

pot brownies
McGill University welcomed its students back with a 4000 pound brownie (that’s right I said brownie). As part of a Fair Trade Food Fair, the University made the brownie in hopes of breaking the Guinness World Record. In making the brownie they used 1400 pounds of sugar, 360 pounds of cocoa powder, 420 pounds of organic dark chocolate and 45 pounds of weed… ok I made that part up… but they should have.

Mom Takes Her Gloves Off


One Montreal mom, Bridget Sykucki, fought the law last week and it looks like she is gonna win. Her kids were playing street hockey on a small Pointe-Au-Trembles street when a neighbor came out to tell them to stop playing or they would call the cops. Sure enough the police showed up and told the kids to stop playing or their parents could face fines of $75 bucks each. Mayor Coderre caught wind of this and the next thing you know City Councillor Richard Guay is saying maybe they can classify that part of the street an alleyway so the kids can play. Hey Nosey Neighbor, this is Canada, we play street hockey. KISS MY ASS! Go get ‘em kids.

Arrested


Speaking of the law, Montreal Police Chief, Marc Parent, held a news conference last Friday to announce that charges of mischief, assault, and unlawful assembly with be laid against 44 Montreal workers. These charges are in relation to the storming of City Hall incident that took place the week prior. There will also be a separate investigation into 13 police officers who did not stop the protesters from entering the building. I have to say that I’m surprised this decision has come so quickly. I thought that everyone involved would drag their asses in hopes that the public would forget about the incident and move on. But I bet I’m not as surprised as the people who got charged.

Last Word of the Week:


As Rachel Leck and her son Xavier sat down to watch the baseball game in Midland, Ontario, they noticed there was a 10 foot long reticulated python draped over the back of their sofa. “I jumped up, grabbed my kid and ran out of the house screaming,” said Ms. Leck. The snake was the property of a man that lived a block and a half away, who could be fined $100 for keeping the python. Here is the strange part, the Lecks thought they had a ghost. Ms. Leck said finding the snake explains some of the strange things that had happened over the previous two weeks, such as furniture falling over, glasses falling out of the cupboard and crockery smashing. So let me get this straight, for two weeks they thought there was paranormal activity in their house but they were ok with that? Let me tell you, one glass falls out of the cupboard for no reason in my house, and I am gonzo!

Give Ken Gaucher hell at ken@montrealrampage.com

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