Fear and Loathing South of the 40: Speaking Truth From Power

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The Royal Elbow

For those of us who follow Canadian politics you know that things can get a bit stale. I mean we are Canadian, we are renowned for being polite and understanding. So when I saw our Prime Minister, the right and honorable Justin Trudeau put on his big boy pants and march across the floor in the house of parliament last week, I was giddy, yes giddy. We have not seen such a fiasco since Chretien put the old ‘Shawinigan’ handshake on that guy in Hull, remember that? Choked him out like a UCF champion. If you have not seen the video, it is worth a look, but let me set the stage. There are a bunch of NDP delegates bumbling around like Keystone Cops, while the Conservative Whip (Is that he coolest name for a job ever? I wish that was my title so people could be like “Oh shit, here comes the whip!”) tries to get through the herd. This prompts Trudeau to march over (and I mean march — it was exactly like when we were in grade four and the teacher would march over to grab that kid who had been talking all morning and escort them out of the class), grab the guy by the arm, and pull him through the crowd. This is where the hoopla really begins. At one point a red faced Tom Mulcair is yelling at Trudeau, “You are pathetic. You are pathetic.” Really Tom? Tom you’re still doing a job you got fired from months ago, and you are telling someone else they are pathetic? I am not sure, but maybe you shouldn’t be throwing stones. Now let’s not mince words, the real casualty here is Ruth Ellen Brosseau’s boobs. There’s no denying she took one to the chest, and now everyone is hatin’ on Brosseau. She was minding her own business, in fact she wasn’t paying attention at all — take a look at the video — all this calamity is going on and she’s chatting away with someone like she’s at a wine and cheese aboard the S.S. Minnow. The good news is that Trudeau has apologized, again and again and again. We get it, you’re sorry.

Ready For Prime Time

A nine month pilot project that will see 60 Montreal police officers wearing body cameras started last week. Montreal Mayor Coderre says this will help protect both police officers and citizens. “We need to be in tune with the times, as we can see, the times have clearly changed,” commented the Mayor. Fantastic idea right? Well here’s the rub. Officers will be trained when to turn on and off the cameras. Boom, you just lost us. You see, the whole point of the camera is to make sure that both the officers and the citizens are acting in the way they are supposed to be acting. It is to capture unacceptable behavior on either side. Soon as one of the parties can turn off the camera, the whole project looses it effectiveness, no? I will tell you one thing, if you are in a disagreement with an officer and they turn off their body camera, shit just got real.

Horse Cents

The city of Montreal has banned horse drawn carriages for one year. Mayor Coderre made the announcement last Wednesday. The Mayor said that he is unhappy with the way the carriages are presently managed and hopes to use the year to craft new guidelines for the industry. Personally, I think this is kind of a wishy-washy, non-solution. The industry is small. According to CTV news there are two dozen full time caleches. So, that is 24 people out of work. I hate to say it but in the larger scope of things that’s peanuts. We all know that this is due to ongoing pressure from animal rights activists, and we all know that this is going to end up being permanent. So why the whole one year charade? Got me. But if the caleche rides come back next year I’ll kiss one of the horse’s asses. In the article I read one caleche driver said he had no money to send his horse to the country and would likely have to go on welfare. That is one serious caleche driver. It’s all or nothing for that guy.

Don’t Feed the Idiots

When I first read about the man who had put the bison calf in the back of their SUV at Yellowstone National Park I thought to myself ‘idiot’. I think it was the next day I read the man was from Quebec and thought to myself “Oh God, No”. For those of you who are not familiar with the story, Shamash Kassam (apparently from Quebec), and his son, found a bison calf alone in the park, thought it looked cold, put it in the back of their SUV and brought it to the park ranger center. The rangers later tried to reunite the calk back into the herd but because it had been handled by people, most likely, they were unsuccessful and ended up having to put it down. Where to begin? I always like to start with questions. In what universe would putting a wild bison in the trunk of your car seem like a good idea? Why are people always messing with things that they have absolutely no idea about? And finally, taking a photo of a bison calf in the back of your car also seemed like a good idea Mr. Kassam? I have heard some stupid shit in my years, but this is definitely in the top 7.

The Round UP:

‘Montreal couple gets married in front of 1100 guests, all of whom were cats’, that was the headline and I ain’t making it up. Louise Veronneau and Dominic Husson went to the ‘Cat house on the Kings‘, North America’s largest cat sanctuary to get married. They are the first couple to get married there, but I bet there will be more, cause there are lots of crazy cat people out there.

‘Woman in her 70’s gives birth to healthy baby boy following IVF’ Oh ya, this happened, it happened in India. A woman between 70 to 72 and her 79 year old husband just had their first baby. How this happened who knows, but it happened. Now, mom and dad, was this the best decision? Not so sure.

‘Online application allows homeless Montrealers to keep personal documents’ Two local groups have launched an ‘online’ platform to help the homeless store copies of personal documents. Call me naïve but to me this would seem pretty low on the priority scale. If I were homeless I think I would be more concerned about other things, like eating!

The Capper:

‘First penis transplant in U.S. performed on cancer patient’ — once again, oh ya, this happened, happened in Boston. After a 15 hour procedure Thomas Manning has a new penis. Urination should be possible in a few weeks and sexual function in weeks to months. The penis came from a deceased boner, um I mean donor. Talk about a res-erection! (oh I can go on like this all day).

Let Ken know what you think in the comments below or send him an email at [email protected]