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Election Pain

Well there’s no doubt about what led the news was last week. Quebecers are going back to the polls on April 7th with the Parti Quebecois chasing a Majority. If this is a surprise to you, shame shame, even Stevie Wonder saw this coming. It was about as subtle as a kick in the ass with a frozen mukluk. Opposition Liberal Leader Philippe Couillard commented that it was a certainty that a Marois’s majority would lead Quebec into another referendum. “They want to separate from Canada. Let’s stop kidding ourselves here,” said Couillard. As of yet the Parti Quebecois has not commented on the issue. Let me tell you, if you were getting tired of the whole French/English/Minority thing before, Buddy attacher ta tuque, it is gonna reach a feverish pitch.

Bixi Pain

A few weeks back I wrote about Montreal’s bike sharing company Bixi filing for bankruptcy protection, owing money to the tune of about 50 million. That was in January. Get this. In December, Bixi paid out a total of $232,000 in bonuses to 39 permanent employees, including 14k to acting CEO Michel Philibert. I guess these bonuses were for doing such a great job? Not sure, just trying to follow the logic here. Managers and Philibert are defending the decision with Philibert saying “It’s not as if we said, ‘We’re going bankrupt tomorrow — let’s pay ourselves bonuses now.” Ummmm Michel, I think that’s probably exactly what you said.

Unemployment Pain

Speaking of losing your job, Montreal’s director of personnel Jean Yves Hinse got his walking papers last Wednesday. Look, I don’t like to see anyone lose their jobs either but don’t feel too sorry for the guy. He gets a year’s salary as severance, which totals $193.000 bucks. It is funny while writing the column this week I am feeling the way I feel after I go to the doctors for a prostate exam, but I digress. The Montreal Gazette reported that the dismissal comes a month after Hinse publicly expressed concerns about Mayor Coderre’s election campaign promise to create an “intelligent city.” Hinse said that could burden employees with additional work, and Lordy Lord we do not want to burden public employees with additional work! Oy vey! Well Mr. Hinse, you won’t have to worry about that anymore.

Physical Pain

Two weeks ago I wrote about the unluckiest SOB in the world who got hit, not once, but twice, while crossing the street in St-Hyacinthe, and the drivers then sped off. That was what you call a hit-and-run, my good people Well this week we have a hit-and-drag!! A Laval driver of a minivan will be facing charges of dangerous driving after hitting, then dragging, a man for some 40 meters. For those of you who are not hip to the metric system (like myself), that is over 120 fucking feet! The driver of the minivan hit the pedestrian coming out of a parking lot on Cure-labelle blvd., turning the wrong way on the one-way boulevard to get to the Shell gas station. As of last Thursday, the 50 year old driver was still being questioned by investigators. Some advice to the investigators: talk real loud ’cause you are speaking to a person who didn’t hear someone screaming under their minivan AS THEY DRAGGED THEM FOR 40 FUCKING METERS!!!

 

Last week at a glance:

Food Pain

Something took place last week at the school École élémentaire catholique Sainte-Marie in Simcoe, Ontario that is being labelled as the Banana Incident. Seems an eight year old student was forced to eat a banana she has tossed in the trash by her teacher. “It had all black spots on it so I threw it out,” the girl told the Simcoe Reformer newspaper. The French-Catholic school board has said the teacher’s behavior was unacceptable. The teacher has since been suspended. Yours truly has a very simple solution. Let the kid pull something out of the trash can and make the teacher eat it, no fuss, no foul, everyone goes home happy and we all move on.

Bill Paying Pain

As of April 1^st our electricity bill will be going up. Hydro Quebec asked for a 5.8 percent increase but was capped at a 4.3 percent increase by the Regie de L’energie. This is going to work out to about an extra 100 bucks for an average home. Bastards.

Commission Pain

The Charbonneau Commission (and you all know how I feel about the Charbonneau Commission) has halted proceedings until April 8^th. The co-commissioners announced that they have decided it would not be “opportune” to hear testimony during the 33 day campaign race leading to the Provincial Election. Sure guys and gals, lets drag the old commission out another month and waste another 50k of tax payers’ money. Besides, everyone involved is going to be unavailable; they are all running a campaign to run the province.

Last word of the week:

When I read the caption I thought this story would be funny “Condom piercer loses Supreme Court appeal”, but it turned out to be really creepy. A Nova Scotia man, Craig Jaret Hutchinson, has been convicted of sexual assault for poking holes in his former girlfriend’s condom, resulting in pregnancy. There are many levels of freaky here, let me run through them for you. In the summer of 2006 Hutchinson decided he is going to save a failing relationship by poking holes in his gal’s condom and getting her pregnant (freaky #1). Once she becomes pregnant, he sends her texts telling her what he has done (freaky #2, he is not only creepy, he’s stupid). The judge at Hutchinson’s first trial called the deed “dastardly” (yes, “dastardly” —  what are we on? An episode of Batman?) but acquitted him (freaky #3). Finally, this crazy ass, condom pokin’, stupid textin’, asshole fights this all the way to the Supreme Court of Canada (freaky #4)! I’m trying not to be judgmental here, so you go take a look at the story and let me know what you think.

 

Oh, I almost forgot, here is a photo someone sent to me. I thought it was worth a chuckle.