It’s Only Love: One Night Only

It's Only Love with Celina Flores

Celina,
I’m not the relationship type but everybody needs some love now and then. I have no problems in that department except when the time comes for the lady or myself to leave. Lots of people have told me that I could be a little nicer about it so please share your lady wisdom with me.

Hey there stud muffin! Ain’t no shame in the game of one night stands but I understand your difficulty, or awkwardness, when it comes to the exit strategy. It’s usually understood that sex is the one and only thing that has brought you two together but sometimes you are faced with a stage five clinger or a person who suffers from the sex-itis (it’s a thing, look it up) and that’s when you have a situation on your hands. I don’t really have any issues leaving in the wee hours of the morning, either because I want to anyway (people make mistakes ok?!) or because I’m accepting of the reality of what has transpired. In a “perfect” world, we’d just roll over, high five each other, say something funny and memorable and then go on our merry ways. Like in the movies! But even you must know, because you seem to be realizing, that this is unrealistic.

If you really want to follow my supposed lady wisdom you’re gonna have to make some efforts that you might not like. First off, if someone’s straight up passed out in your bed it’s not exactly kind or wise to suggest that they get up and go. Personally, waking me up from sleep is like waking the beast and it’s even worse if you’re asking or expecting me to do something. Also, it’s not safe to tell a borderline comatose lady to go home at 4 a.m. Have you ever been outside at 4 a.m.? Not only does it suck but that’s when some of the creepiest freaks are out. And with limited to no public transport at that hour, if she’s far from home that’s just a dick move on your part. I say let her sleep. Even if it’s just for one measly hour before the sun starts shining. Then you can tell her that you need her to leave because you have a family reunion, or you have to walk your dog all morning or you have diarrhea- all things myself or my friends have heard.

Second, if she sleeps like a rock or wants to cuddle you for several hours just let her do it. Of course this is only in the event that you don’t actually have anywhere to be.  I mean, you just did the most intimate thing you can do with another human being with this person. It’s probably not gonna kill you. Then you can offer her breakfast- come on, even if it’s just a pop tart – and that will make her think you’re a decent dude for long enough before you play the please leave card, which will facilitate the whole thing. I can almost guarantee that this works every time.

There’s a very fine line between gently planting the idea and physically shoving someone out the door. In a large way, a stranger’s feeling are not really your responsibility or your problem, but since you cared enough to ask, I’d say you’re probably just barely crossing it. Remember: pop tarts and manners. Good luck!

Got a question about love, sex, dating, or anything at all, let your fingers do the talking to Celina at celina@montrealrampage.com

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About Celina Flores

Celina is a born-and-raised Montrealer who is on the never ending pursuit of happiness. She is a pop culture enthusiast, generator of lame puns and a big believer in love. More Posts